No Booze for Thirty Days: The Back Story

15Sep08

Nephalism

Neph”a*lism\, n. [Gr. ? soberness, fr. ? sober, ? to drink no wine: cf. F. n['e]phalisme.] Total abstinence from spirituous liquor.

The 30-day Nephalist

n. A 32-year old aspiring writer and slacker, living in the Northwest area of the United States of America, quenching his thirst for self-knowledge but not for microbrews.

I was completely clean for nearly 7 years, beginning when I was 24.  During that time, I embraced the idea espoused by most successful recovering addicts and all 12-step programs: I am powerless.

When you can truly admit that you are powerless over drugs or alcohol, it is impossible to justify using them. You want power over your life, and as soon as you pick up a drink, or take a hit, you give up that power. By admitting you are powerless to control consumption, you realize that you cannot have just one.

I was all about powerlessness when I first got clean.  I got into countless conversations with people who would say, “You have such great will-power!” No, I would tell them, not at all.  In fact, the awareness that my will-power fails in the face of drugs and alcohol is what keeps me from picking them up in the first place.

But then something changed.

Life got better and better after I got clean. I moved to the Northwest from my home on Long Island. I went back to school. I kept jobs and paid my tuition and bills (although I got a lot of support from my family and a little from the government). I became a writing tutor at college and was considered to be a great student by professors and friends. I had a sailboat and hobbies, friends and free time. And, I thought, some power. I started smoking pot on occasion and then drinking. That was last summer.

What a dream – drinking in the Northwest, home of microbrews galore! And who doesn’t like a good party?

But a few times in the beginning, when I drank too much the night before, and a few times more recently, a great fear descended on me – Was I powerless after all? Why drink? Why?

Since then, I have shaken off that giant fear a few times and partied in relative peace, conscience unruffled, until this week.

When you spend forty bucks on booze for a two-day camping trip, and you are unemployed, you probably should ask yourself a few questions. And, I tell myself, you should probably be sober while you ponder them.

I have been drinking almost every day, usually not more than two or three, but sometimes.  I don’t get drunk easily anymore.  More and more I wonder, “Why drink?”

Why blog?

  • to document my experience staying sober for thirty days
  • to share with people who are struggling to find balance in their drug use
  • to help me maintain my resolve
  • to develop my blogging, writing, and ability to attract readers (read: web marketing, social networking)
  • to answer the questions, “Why drink?” and “Why not drink?”

I plan to post to the blog regularly, four or five times a week, and to continue after the 30-days are up, whatever decision I make about my drinking. I plan to remain anonymous, although I will share my blog with friends and family members as long as I can feel safe about being completely honest.

Day 2:

I have a fridge full of beer from our camping trip, and a housemate who is happy to drink it.  I have told him and a few other friends about my 30-day plan, so it will be a lot easier to avoid temptation.

The impulse to drink has cropped up a couple of times. No big deal.

My mind is racing with all the angles I can approach this experience. So much to write about – the nature of addiction, the philosophy of 12-step programs, the varieties of microbrews, the creation of habits (good and bad), and of course the Big Questions: Why drink? Why am I here? What is my purpose?

So far so good!


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